Limits and Safe Words
Communication in power exchange is paramount due to what is at stake for the participants in a D/s dynamic. This is what keeps things safe, sane and consensual for Everyone involved in a scene or in a relationship. This article is going to cover the topics of limits and safe words so that You all understand Your personal responsibilities when it comes to kink.
Knowing Your Dominant or submissive’s Limits
In a power exchange, one side of the exchange gives power to the other. A submissive has power and a Dominant has the control granted by the submissive. The only way to make clear what is acceptable or unacceptable in this exchange is to set limits. These limits are things that the other party must respect no matter how trivial or insignificant they may sound.
Does a Dominant wish never to use a flogger because of prior bad experience? He shall not be asked to flog His submissive. Say the submissive does not like being kissed on a certain area of her body because it brings up bad memories. Something as simple as that does indeed qualify as a limit.
Whenever You are embarking on a new journey with someone in kink, You need to have the limits discussion so that You are aware of where these boundaries lie. Nobody can expect someone to know limits that are not communicated and to do so is not fair.
Types of Limits
Limits come in different forms, so an understanding of these types of limits will help foster ongoing communication between You and Your partner. Most limits fall under two categories.
Soft Limits— a soft limit is something that is normally considered a “no” but may change under the right circumstance. It may be something that someone is not yet comfortable trying but might do for the right person. It might be something that the person normally dislikes but might get into the mood for only once in a while. There are many reasons for making something a soft limit.
Hard limits— a hard limit is something that is going to remain a “no” under any circumstance. Some people have evolved over time to turn hard limits into soft ones, but I’ll go into that more later.
Other limits that should be respected include a person’s sexual preferences and religious beliefs. You should never try to make someone do something that flirts the lines with His or Her sexual needs or personal ethics.
Fluid Limits
Over time, limits do change. Having a conversation about limits and then never looking back is not an advisable way to manage a relationship. Some of the things that I’ve personally been unwilling to try over the years have become some of My favorite kinks. For whatever reason, I was not comfortable with them at the time that they were limits, but this is perfectly okay.
Someone may tell You suddenly that a hard limit is now a soft limit or that a soft limit is no longer a limit at all. Or to Your surprise, Your partner could declare that something that was once okay is no longer alright. It is important to be understanding and also to respect the new limit.
Communication is so essential to making sure You are always up to speed on where the boundaries lie in Your relationships. First off, if someone declares that something is now a limit, it is important to come to grip with the fact that that activity or action is now no longer acceptable and it must be accepted.
One way to protect Yourself and Your partner is to implement the use of safe words. These words can help when exploring new activities, when pushing the limits with a soft limit or in communicating when the intensity of an activity has become uncomfortable.
Safe Wording 101
A safe word is a way to communicate Your needs during a scene without impacting the mood. In other situations where consensual non-consent is a kink, it can provide a definitive “no” where it would otherwise be confused for getting into the scene.
You can have as many safe words as You desire and they can be called by both parties in a scene. Yes, a Dominant may become triggered or feel for the sake of the submissive’s health that a scene must end! Safe words are for all roles.
Examples of safe word systems include the following.
Stoplight system— This one is the most basic safe word system. Green means go, yellow means caution and red means stop. For some people this is too simple or the words are hard to avoid during roleplay and may cause confusion. Otherwise, it is a pretty clear system.
Tiered safe wording— Some people enjoy communicating a number of emotions through safe words. I once knew a Dominant and submissive couple that had seven safe words. One meant that the submissive was starting to get aroused, but needed more. Another was for “oh god, yes, this is good- keep going.” Another still was for “I’m approaching the limit, but I don’t want to disappoint you.” The point here is that You may have as many safe words as You want or need to have for Your dynamic.
Server wide safe wording— On many kink servers, including Our own, there are server wide safe words that are available for use. When dealing with new partners in public scenes or when You have multiple submissives involved and can’t remember every person’s safe words, this is recommended to simplify things.
Here at The Academy, the server safe words are “Moon” for slow down and “Sun’s Wrath” for stop. I will note that if anyone is caught disregarding a server safe word, that person may receive a reprimand or even be banned. Consent is taken quite seriously here.
In summary, limits are just as important to consider in the kink life as the kinks themselves and can be as simple or as strange as a person’s kinks. We don’t kink shame and limits need to be held in the same regard. I will personally never say something like “why is that a limit? It sounds stupid.” A limit is a “no” and that is the end of discussion.
Communication is important so that a submissive and Dominant are on the same page and believe it or not, it is also the responsibility of a submissive to communicate limits or to safe word when needed. submissives have the power in the dynamic and need to set clear boundaries so that Dominants can be respectful of those limitations.
The Academy 